Struggles.
2:15 p.m. ♥ 2006-08-01
It's so hard not to screw up. It's like everyone is watching me, waiting. I seem to carry all of the burden of everyone. And the empathy is killing me.
I want to tell her that I care, that I know how she feels. But she wants to be alone and heartbroken. Come sit with me, dear. I'll make us some tea and we can watch sad movies. You don't have to be alone. You can stop ignoring my calls. You can smile and laugh, but I can see through your eyes.
And you, boy. I am like a quarter flipping through the air. Heads? I'll leave you and be happy but alone. Tails? I'll stay here and be in love but unhappy with you. And most of the reason I don't leave is beacuse I can't bear to see you struggle. I don't want you to have to move away because of me. I don't want you to cry. So I'll stay. You are my best friend, but you're smothering me. Maybe someday I'll get the courage to talk to you about my real feelings.
Until then, I'll document them.
Struggles.
2:15 p.m. ♥ 2006-08-01
It's so hard not to screw up. It's like everyone is watching me, waiting. I seem to carry all of the burden of everyone. And the empathy is killing me.
I want to tell her that I care, that I know how she feels. But she wants to be alone and heartbroken. Come sit with me, dear. I'll make us some tea and we can watch sad movies. You don't have to be alone. You can stop ignoring my calls. You can smile and laugh, but I can see through your eyes.
And you, boy. I am like a quarter flipping through the air. Heads? I'll leave you and be happy but alone. Tails? I'll stay here and be in love but unhappy with you. And most of the reason I don't leave is beacuse I can't bear to see you struggle. I don't want you to have to move away because of me. I don't want you to cry. So I'll stay. You are my best friend, but you're smothering me. Maybe someday I'll get the courage to talk to you about my real feelings.
Until then, I'll document them.
Users = losers.
9:24 p.m. ♥ 2006-07-31
Bah da da da dah. I'm lovin it.
Today Derek and I went on a big adventure, to get him a job! We went to the temp agency and then realized that they were going to drug test us on the spot. So I pretended there was a family emergency and we high tailed it. Not that I'm a big user. Once or twice in four months and it happened to be two days ago. Oh well, I can stick with my lame current job for now, but Derek better get one SOON.
I'm going to get a baby chihuahua in a week. Excited? Me too! Reeta is having 4 puppies. And I claimed one.
I went out to the country to visit my folks. They cooked me some delicious friend zucchini. If I'd do the dishes. What a warm welcome home, huh? Anyway, they miss me a lot. At least my dad and my sister do. I'm going to stop answering my mom's phone calls and see how fast she starts missing me.
Going through hell.
12:32 a.m. ♥ 2006-07-31
Things are WEIRD. I moved out of my parent's house about a month ago and Derek and I live in Nampa now, by WalMart. But here's the catch. He hasn't had a job since about the time we moved in, so we owe rent in 2 days and he only has $69. So I'm paying $240ish. And he still has no job. I love him dearly, but I'm at my wits end. We can't afford to eat.
My family misses me dearly and wants me to come home, but I can't leave him to be homeless again, we've already been though that.
I love him a lot, but my patience is wearing thin.
-
6:40 p.m. ♥ 2006-06-27
Not much has been going on lately, couch surfing and being semi homeless. Moms going to change the locks soon. I'm moving out this week I believe. With Derek.
-
7:00 p.m. ♥ 2006-05-23
I graduate in T-minus one hour
This rainbow wallet holds my pennies.
12:50 p.m. ♥ 2006-05-08
This weekend was nice. Well most days are nice. Although, lately I've been noticing the effects of not taking my Prozac anymore. I found myself lying in my bed with Derek crying on Saturday night. I was mumbling about my mom getting sick and then my dad dying and how if that were to happen I'd drop out of college and take care of my sister. I'm not like that. I just have been sad lately. Stress and worry are getting to me again.
Last night James, Chris, Derek and I watched Ray. I cried a little bit. They were all joking about heroine and I asked them to stop. I didn't really say why, but I think Derek knows why. My dad is sick, probably still dying, from heroine he did when he was my age. Either way, I cried and Derek kissed my forehead and rubbed my back. I can't believe the love I've found in him. I gush about it in every entry that I spill out, but I have more time to write today so I'll explain.
It's always been said that a girl wants to marry a boy like her daddy. Well Derek is the epitamy of my father, but a lot more quiet. There is just a difference in the way he hold me, holds my hand, kisses me. It's different than any other boy I've ever been involved with. He told me the other day that he wants to be with me forever. We are both only eighteen and I talk about having children a lot. I don't mean to. I know it's really stupid. We both decided we want a baby when we are twenty though. He turns 19 in about one month. That gives us a year or so to get steady jobs and get on our feet before we can start a family.
We are going camping with his mother and step dad and family on Memorial Day weekend. I'm excited but nervous because I've never met them. They all live in Coeur De'Laine. But I did meet his dad on Saturday. He's a really nice guy. He bought me lunch.
Chris, Derek and I went to a huge yard sale at a church on Saturday. Now here's something I don't understand. Derek says he's athiest but he occasionally goes to church (by choice) and he kept feeling guilty when he cursed and he was afraid to smoke near the church. Hmm. My boyfriend is a mystery at times, even to me.
I'm in class right now and I'm looking over Kristin's shoulder at her computer and shes looking at my Myspace profile. Hmmm. She gave me a dollar randomly today. Shes kissing my ass a lot. I don't know what to do. I do miss hanging out with her, but she's a compulsive liar.
-
1:59 p.m. ♥ 2006-05-02
To elaborate on the earlier entry, my mother had a doctor’s appointment a few weeks ago. Just a routine check up, you know. They found a lump in her abdomen. They believe it is an aneurism on her aorta. She had a mammogram earlier this week as well. Or maybe it was late last week. But anyway, it looks like she has breast cancer as well. It didn’t really hit me at all until last night Cheyenne said to me “Mom has cancer”.
Driving home with Derek last night, I turned down the radio and told him, matter-of-factly. Then I turned the radio back up. I didn’t think it would be hard to tell him, my best friend, but it choked me up. The ride home was silent, besides my occasional singing. I didn’t really cry, I just let the tears fill to the brim of my eyes before pushing them back down.
He came in my room and held me until I fell asleep. He kept squeezing my hand to let me know he was still there.
All day, I’ve been pushing back tears. I need to go home and talk to mom. We haven’t really talked about it yet. I need to know.
cancer
10:12 a.m. ♥ 2006-05-02
My mom has cancer.
Head Over Heels
2:00 p.m. ♥ 2006-05-01
It's the most amazing thing. I am so in love. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone before. Last night he was over and we were...listening to the radio and 'stuff'. And that Keith Urban song came on... "I'm gonna love you". And I cried. In his arms. It sounds so lame but I was overcome by emotion... I love him.
So much.
I pierced my nose yesterday. I really like it. I took my extensions out last night but I think I'll put 'em back today.
Anyway.
<33333
Prom Anticipation
1:42 p.m. ♥ 2006-04-28
PROM IS TOMORROW. And I'm on the rag. Kill me please?
Oh yes. So this place does amazing senior pictures, which I still need done. Serendipity Studios.
I really want to look good in mine. I'm scared because I'm pretty ugly in every picture I've ever seen of myself. Shit.
My boyfriend is moved out of his apartment for good finally. I'm excited that he lives so close to me now because I get to see him more often. He is going to have to put up with me being insane tomorrow at the dance. I got a ton of diet pills at WalMart. If I lost like 20 pounds, I'd be so happy. People seem to think I'm insane, but it's been my dream forever. And at least I don't throw up or anything anymore, right?
So I feel like a complete jerk but I want prom queen sort of badly.
WHY?
I don't want to want it. But I do.
-
1:42 p.m. ♥ 2006-04-28
PROM IS TOMORROW.
Hell.
9:56 a.m. ♥ 2006-04-27
I am so exhausted I can barely type. Woah. Last night I went over to Hilary's and we stayed up all night working on our senior projects and our portfolios. We went to WalMart at 9 pm, 2 am, and 5 am. Then I went to Seminary with her at 6:30. We each had 3 energy drinks and a diet pill over the course of the night. So I am extremely worn out right now. I can't think. And I still have a bit of my portfolio to do and its due next hour but I can't concentrate. Plus I have phenomenal cramps right now. I want to shoot myself in the vagina. Anyway I just needed to vent.
CDS
11:46 a.m. ♥ 2006-04-25
REMIX.
I wish all of my CDs weren't scratched.
Minus the Bear is the worst. Also my favorite.
I'm getting angry.
Fucking.
Hell.
last night
11:11 a.m. ♥ 2006-04-21
Last night, Darby and I left night school at 8:00 and went downtown to get her tattoo touched up. I made her stop by the Venue so I could hunt Derek down. I found him and told him I’d meet him at his apartment after we were done. The guy who did her tattoo was Rick from Pita Pit. My boyfriend used to work at Pita Pit so apparently they kind of know each other. Anyway, I hung out and read tattoo magazines and got really excited. I found these two tattoos that say “mommy” and “daddy” that I really want. This morning I told my dad I was going to get his name tattooed on me in Arabic but he said he’d rather have it in Japanese because he likes how their letters look. That makes sense, too since his mom lived in Japan for a while. I’m pretty sure she got pregnant with him in Japan. I’m also getting a teeny smiley face tattooed behind my ear.
After we were done we went to Derek’s apartment. I told Darby to prepare to see the most disgusting living environment she’d ever see. And it was. But either way, we hung out for a while. I told my dad I’d be home by 10:30, but I didn’t make it till almost midnight. I don’t think he knew though. He left the porch light on for me, but forgot to leave the door unlocked. So I had to mission impossible it over the fence and go in through the back door. Even the door in to the laundry room was locked! Grawr.
So tonight I’m going to go buy some shoes for prom. Then I need to get paintbrushes so that Jessica and I can paint. After that we’re going to the drive through movies. I hope that Derek can come with. I’m going to see if I can borrow daddy’s truck so I can put a mattress in the back. Ooh it’ll be fun!
-
1:39 p.m. ♥ 2006-04-20
DAMN STRAIGHT
AHH!
EW
HE GOT OLD
WHAA?
I KNEW IT
Breakdown.
7:32 p.m. ♥ 2006-04-19
When they find her on the shore they'll say that the shark was an efficient killer.
I've officially broken down. I've cried almost constantly from 2 until about now. Then I did something stupid. I just want to leave and go tanning or something. I want to go relax. Dereks supposed to come over tonight but I dont know how to get ahold of his frumpy ass. I miss him and I need a hug and a kiss. Fucking shit. I'm supposed to go tanning with Alex (Skaggs)... But hesssss busy tonight. Fucking hate everyone.
So here come the tears again, bye.
I loved again.
10:24 p.m. ♥ 2006-04-18
I didn't think it would ever be possible. After that first heartbreak two years ago, I was sure that I would die of a broken heart. Don't get me wrong, he still crosses my mind. I still worry about him. But not in a romantic matter. He is going to have a baby in about a month. I'm really excited for him and I hope things go well. But now I am so happy to announce that I'm in love again. Derek is everything to me. I worry about him like he's my child. He's my baby. On Saturday night we layed in bed and watched Girlfriends and then a couple hours of some psychology show on PBS and ate Bugles all night. I swear, it sounds corny, but it was so much fun. We talked for hours. On Sunday he came over and had Easter dinner with my family and I. Then I fell asleep with my head on his lap while he watched TV. After that, I went and picked up Chris and we watched From Hell with Johnny Depp. It's really gruesome. It's about Jack the Ripper.
So today is the 18th and I have 10 days to paint a whole fucking mural on the side of the Notus Community Center. I'm going to need so much help, mostly mentally. I really am wigging out. I've been in huge fights with every member of my family in the past few hours. I'm exhausted and sad. And it's not that it's going to take years to paint the mural, it's just that I basically have school from 8 am to 9 pm four nights a week. I'm going to have to refrain from putting this off another weekend. That means I'm not going to be able to go spend it with Derek. Tomorrow I have to write a formal letter to Lowes on "official letterhead" asking for them to donate the paint for me. Shiiit.
Oh and my fucking English teacher called my mom AGAIN. She said that my grade was currently a 48%. Blah blah blah. She can suck my ass! I asked her nicely not to call my mom next time, to tell me first. So she goes and tells my mom. I had no idea! If I would have known I would have tried to do something about it. What a snatch.
Anyway, I'm going to go crash now. Hopefully Derek calls me. Even though he doesn't talk much, the silence seems to work fine.
Cafe Press Shirts.
1:16 p.m. ♥ 2006-04-18
Here are some RAD shirts that I want.
That made me laugh really hard because of a certain disgusting event that occurred this weekend.
Hahaha it's me, Derek, Christa, and Cameron!
Easter!
12:10 p.m. ♥ 2006-04-16
I'm freaking out. Here it is, Easter Sunday, and I'm stranded at Derek's house. His car is out of gas at Dannys house. Obviously I'm happy to be here with him, I love him. But I need to be with my family. He's going to come with me. Chris is freaking out right now saying he'll come pick us up in 45 minutes. I was like "Wait till Derek gets out of the shower so I can talk to him". Hmmm. Okay so the chances that I'm going to graduate highschool are like 50/50 right now and I have one month and one week or so left. My chest gets tight every time I think about it. GEEZ FINALLY. I just heard the shower turn off. So I better go talk to him. Happy Easter, world.
Hoods
2:35 a.m. ♥ 2006-04-15
I'm at DEREK'S HOUSE. He's lovely. And I love him.
So Kristin blew me off again and it's pissing me off. Darby picked me up and we hung out with Kai and his friends for a while then I had her drop me off at Danny's house. HOODS were there. They played in Boise tonight. They're sooo funny. I had like 3 beers.
I'm back at the apartment now. I just ate a fantastic bean burrito. Wowww.
fears//frustrations.
1:23 p.m. ♥ 2006-04-14
I am taking a moment to express my fears. I'm afraid that I am not going to graduate and prove my mother right. I'm afraid that I'm going to end up working in a dead-end retail job. I'm afraid that Derek doesn't love me anymore. I'm afraid that I am a bad person. I'm afraid to lose my friends.
I am afraid that I won't get my mural painted or maybe he will not be satisfied with my results. I went to a meeting at the community center today and he asked for so much. They basically want me to paint the whole building. I can't do that! I don't know what to do. It overwhelmed me. I had a hard time breathing. But I just played it cool.
I had to borrow Kristins car to get there. She doesn't seem happy to hang out with me anymore. But I do love her.
Anyway.
I hate my Diaryyy. I can't make it pretty.
Shows what I'm doing in school. I'm going to nap right now. No one will find me.
Bad Person
♥
I was really angry at Derek last night. He called me and woke me up at 11:45 (but I was happy to hear from him). But yeah. I just want to know if he's going to prom or not. And he was either drunk or getting drunk. And he said he didn't do it on weekdays anymore. It was so loud I could barely hear him. Then he was like "I'll let you go back to sleep" And I said "Yeah whatever".
By then I think he realized I was angry.
Then he was like "Do you want me to come pick you up tomorrow after school? We could hang out before my show.
I don't know.
I just don't know.
I'm only angry because I love him so much and I'll probably be hurt if he doesn't go to prom with me. And I'm going, with or without him. It's important to me. I'm a GIRL!
But if you read this, Derek, I love you. Even if you're a creeeeep.
♥
tattoo
9:58 p.m. ♥ 2006-04-13
Last night Derek and Chris came over and we watched National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation with Chevy Chase. SO FUNNY.
Chris got kicked out of Apt 16 and Derek's moving in with Chris and his mom. I'm happy because he will be so close to my house now.
Night school was fun tonight. Darby, Megan, Megan, and I got 3 girls kicked out today. They were really snobby preppy bitches. Talking shit about us. They completely picked the wrong 4 girls to mess with. They obviously haven't looked at Darby and my criminal records. I'm just not afraid of anything, and that's probably not a good thing.
Mom and dad found out about my tatto last night! And GUESS WHAT? They liked it. Both of them. So now it won't be such a huge deal when I get the other one. I'm getting really angry at dad though because he hasn't called the car place and I need my car really bad. I have a meeting with the guy in charge of my mural tomorrow morning at 9:30 and I have no way to get there. I might just walk. It's only like two miles.
Anyway, I'm completely exhausted and sleepy so I'm going to go crash (after a bit more myspace).
Stay classy, Boise.
Bitching.
10:10 p.m. ♥ 2006-04-11
Fuckinggggggg night school. It sucks my ass juices. Through a straw. Here is my current Monday thru Thursday schedule:
7:00 am -- Wake up
8:00 am -- School starts
3:00 pm -- School's out
4:00 pm -- Night school starts
9:00 pm -- Night school's out
9:15 pm -- MYSPACE
11:00 pm -- Bed time.
Fuck my ass and call me Nelson. I really need a nap and a job. And FURTHERMORE, I've been without a car for a MONTH now.
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who am i? ¢¾ - Madly in love - ¢¾ ¢¾ - Growing up fast - ¢¾ ¢¾ - Trying to be strong. - ¢¾ fantastic people: |
